Let’s Talk About Sex

My eyes! MY EYES! - Is this your standard reaction?

As the world is busy savoring Friends’ reunion, I too, couldn’t help but get super nostalgic about my favorite characters and favorite episodes. One such episode is when Phoebe finds out about Chandler and Monica and utters the above infamous phrase. Watching this took me back to the time when me and my friends had just started discussing about each other’s sex life, and pretty much had the same Phoebe reaction to everything.

Thankfully, my adult friends and I don’t react like this anymore. We can talk now — and have talked — about everything. But even today, sometimes, we go back to our youngish selves and giggle at everything and make jokes to hide our discomfort; courtesy our extraordinary sex education.

While most times discussion on sex is all fun and frolic, another important aspect is that some times these discussion bring to light some unaddressed concerns in relationships, some times it teaches us what is not normal — that is, if we’re not being treated right in the bedroom by our partner, it builds a comforting sense of community and we always have someone to talk to. But most of all, it broadens our worldview, beyond the bedroom.

And lately, I have been bringing this up with my friends more regularly. And in fact, we made a group dedicated specifically for this and have more gender fluid conversations. While the intent for this group was great, things did not fall into place smoothly. Instead, it was a complete mess! And soon we realized that when treading an unraveled territory, it is important to always have a code of conduct in place in order to ensure that these discussions are held safely, respectfully and without any awkward jokes.

So, I made a set of (casual but essential) rules for these sex discussions:

1. INTRODUCE THE CONTEXT -

I think having a discussion about sex is just like any other discussion, subject to both people being on the same page and sharing the same context. Almost all of these conversations would vary depending on your comfort level with your friends, your proximity to them, and the depth of your relationship and sexual encounter. While my friends and I were all very enthusiastic about this, initially we didn’t know how to bring this up and often ended up making absolutely awkward jokes.

Gradually, we started using icebreakers and media as a mode to initiate this discussion, some of which I would love to share:

“Could you advice me on something that came up in my sex life?”

“I was reading this article about incorporating toys into sex — have you ever tried this?”

“Do you like some music while making love? Do you have a sex playlist?”

2. CONSENT IS EVERYTHING -

The most important thing while bringing up this topic is consent (hands down)! Talking about sex without confirming that everyone around is comfortable, can trigger unpleasant experiences for people who have experienced sexual abuse of any manner.

The most important question before starting this conversation is always, “Is it okay if we talk about sex?” Another kind question that can be asked is, “Do you have the emotional bandwidth to discuss a heavy topic with me?” I was asked the latter before a big conversation, and it made me feel immensely respected, so much that I still remember it.

Another thing to keep in mind is that while being sex-positive is important, equal respect should be paid to diversity, fluidity, fantasies and privacy. Not everyone is going to share their wildest fantasies with you, and that is okay. You don’t have to either if you’re not ready.

3. UNDERSTAND THE PERIPHERY -

Even after there is mutual comfort and consent, you would still want to maintain some periphery that shouldn’t be crossed. It is a very sensitive and personal topic at the end of the day. My friends and me are a tight knit group, so we are quite wary to protect every intimate detail of each other and save all the personal sex conversations just between us.

Something that we have adopted over the years, is to set boundaries, fine lines and confidentiality so that each person feels very comfortable sharing their stories. Most discussions are around queries, advice, one liners, health, pleasure, experiences and patiently listening to each other.

4. THE HOT TOPICS -

Majority of my friends in this “sex group” are women (say, fierce female friendships), so most pf the topics are focused on women health — UTI’s, menstrual hygiene, what is normal?, what is not?, period sex, body hair, self love, acceptance and of course sexual misadventures. What would be these discussions without a good laugh, here and there?

While impromptu and random discussions work best for us, recently we have been inspired to take this forward in a book club format, where the topic of discussion is decided beforehand and everyone prepares what they wish to share. Some topics we have shortlisted are:

• Books and movies about sex and gender issues

• Sexuality and gender identity in today’s scenario

• Sexuality and societal acceptance in India (and the world)

• Positive experiences in sex life

• New discoveries in relationships

• ‘When you lost your virginity’ stories

Discussions of such a private affair, intermingled with the impact on society, queer community and overall gender identity of a human helps more than we can even imagine. It broadens the perspective for everyone and helps us empathize with other people.

5. CHECK ON FRIENDS -

After a heavy discussion like this, I have learnt that it is imperative to check on everyone, because even if friends aren’t talking about it, they might still have more to say. So, I always like to do a quick check-in like, “How are you feeling after what we had spoken about last time? Would you like to talk about it more?”

Specifically when discussing an emotionally draining sexual relationship, sexuality or even sexual health, it is important to remind your friends that you would be happy to revisit this conversation any time. My friends and I try to assure each other that everything is confidential here and we can have the same conversation again and again, if need be.

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So when was the last time you spoke to a platonic friend about your sex life? I hope you liked the code of conduct I shared. If you have any other points I may have missed, please do let me know in the comments below!

Xx, AG