Some Seasonal Friendships

Is your friendship golden or simply gold plated?

I am a hardcore believer in lifetime friendships; friendships that are the light at the end of every tunnel; friendships that are fierce; friendships where you aggressively believe in each other; friendships where you think the other deserves the world; friendships where you love with your pure heart; friendships which are devoid of any hollow feelings; friendships where you fight incessantly but still find solace in them; friendships which live to tell the tale.

A few months ago, while tirelessly scrolling through my social media, I discovered 2 of my friends (who had been introduced to each other via me) hanging out, without a slightest intimation to me. I would hate to admit it, but I was super anxious seeing them together and brimming with jealousy when I realized I was not included in the entire scheme of things. It was a serious case of #FOMO.

As the weekend approached, I decided to throw myself a pity party, encouraging the overthinking, the self pity, the anxiety, the social awkwardness and people pleasing side of me. One of those friends is someone I have known since childhood but never managed to be consistently in touch with. One part of me was urging myself to understand that friendship is a two way street, and I haven’t been reaching out constantly as well so I cannot expect to be included each time. But the other part of me was still not ready to give up on this bitterness somehow.

My mind was a complete warzone with the left and right side at loggerheads; neither was ready to compromise. I was sailing on two boats, trying hard to understand which one to stick to. Should I work harder and make more efforts to revive this friendship? Or should I completely let this one go? Instead of accepting the fact that friendships are ever changing, my anxiety was forcing me to pick one side. But isn’t this really how most of us function?

After a moment of deep breathing and complete silence, I started writing down everything I felt about this situation; the good, the bad, the ugly, the inevitable, everything. Once I was able to center all my thoughts in front of me, I realized that I am not the one to fit into any one place and with any one person. It is possible to dissolve a friendship without making a hue and cry about it, it is possible to let a friendship fade away without any animosity and it is possible to let a friendship end without blaming the other person. While everyone can choose their own way to mourn that loss, it is okay to accept some complications in relationships.

So that night, I made a step-by-step guide on how to release old friends with love and kindness, which I keep going back to every time something goes awry.

Step 1: Appreciate Change

The first step in this process is acceptance and appreciation; that people change. And no matter how excellent your friendship is, this is something beyond your control. However, something that is in your control is self reflection and journaling is a great way to process this.

You can open a document on your laptop or grab a notebook and just let your feelings flow. Your writing does not have to be profound; it just needs to be true. It just needs to truthfully address how happy or sad or angry or conflicted you are feeling at the moment. You don't have to make a decision at that moment if you want to continue the friendship, you just have to understand your truest and innermost feelings at that moment.

Step 2: Re-evaluate Your Friendship

The second step is to reassess your friendship. There is a huge difference between a friendship that has turned toxic and one that has naturally evolved into the present state. In case of a toxic friendship, it needs to be cut off immediately and not looked back upon. But in case of the latter, you need to avoid letting bitterness and guilt take hold. You need to understand that when people move in different directions where their work and life takes them, they become different people.

You don’t have to expect those friends to build you mountains, but you have to carry that feeling of love you shared, going forth. You should be happy to watch them blossom in their life and be okay not being a part of it. You should be happy to be the cheerleader from a distance. Accepting an ending that is not dramatic is important, because real life cannot tie up friendships with a cutie bow. And just because a story is over, does not mean there has to be a monster in the end. You need to stop looking for someone to blame. There is no peace in 'they did this to me'; in fact there is only anger and pain in that thought. Anyway, the fire has already started. Stop tracking the source. Instead go get some water!

Step 3: Forge Ahead

Letting go is easier said than done, hands down. And something that helps me let go is in fact, commemorating the friendship. I make scrapbooks, go through old pictures and old notes, have journaling sessions, paint our misadventures, make a story out of that friendship (pun intended) and everything that feels right. You can use these activities to celebrate the wonderful times you had together, all the memories you shared, all the bad times you defeated together and how you gelled well all these years.

Another millennial tip I can share is watching old friends’ social media stories from time to time and engaging with them in a supportive way. Whether it is a selfie or a beautiful walk in nature, their joy will bring me joy — as long as I let it. If you are truly genuine about this, it will bring you a lot of joy. Gratitude is the best medicine, and as I write this, I am so grateful for all the crazy, beautiful, inspiring and talented friends I have had along this journey.

There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature. What do you think about these steps I shared? Would you like to use them in your life? Is there something that helped you sail through a broken friendship? I would love to hear everything in the comments.

Till then, onward, upward and forward.

Xx, AG