What Makes Anyone A Good Friend?

Friendship to me is, offering all you can, when you can.

Three days ago, as we celebrated Friendship Day, most of us were enveloped with nostalgia. For me, this day takes me back to my school days when Friendship Day meant a huge event. Everyone used to bring friendship bands for their mates and tie them on each other’s hands to symbolize that bond, with a silent promise to stand by in difficult times. Some of us went the extra mile and made those bands at home, to add that touch of love.

But often at the end of that day, it didn’t matter who all gave us that band;. Instead, what became a cause of greater concern was how many bands rested on that tiny wrist of ours. Because that defined the number of friends we have. And as is the rule of the world, quantity supersedes quality. But today, when someone casually asks me how many friends I have, I don’t think I carry a definite figure in mind. We all have had friends at school, friends in the neighborhood, friends in cousins, friends at the church, friends in sport teams, friends during travel, friends at work, friends at the bar, friends of friends. Then how can you ever count this number?

Subsequently, I detached myself from the entire concept of anniversaries and social media proclaimed special days, but am more than happy for people who choose to celebrate these. In fact, this Friendship Day got me thinking about what it really means to be a good friend to someone? And what do these good friendships blossom out of? Is there a secret recipe to maintain friendships, especially distant ones?

I don’t intend to take the responsibility to answer these, because I, myself, am evolving as a friend each day. And maintaining friendships is hard. Once you step out of your home and city, you are no longer a stranger to long distance friendships. And it is not always easy to pick up the phone and call your friends every now and then; sometimes, we miss on sending out gifts on time; sometimes we miss responding to their messages and laughing at their memes; sometimes we have to hang up in the middle of a phone call for a work meeting; sometimes we copy-paste and send the same message to multiple friends at once, citing how much we miss them.

No one ever tells us how challenging friendships can be after youth, majorly because work tends to take precedence over most of our time. And whatever little time we can manage, we often use that browsing endlessly over social media and binge watching the latest OTT series. But every time when we realize that making adult friends is much harder, we try to be a better friend and catch up with our mates. This fear of being left alone oftentimes forces us to take action.

While one part of us is super unforgiving of us and our mistakes, the other part allows us to cut ourselves some slack. It is not that we don’t care about our friends, the truth is that any relationship requires effort and intentionality, and sometimes we are low on that. Also with the pandemic, most of us cannot be physically together right now, and we have had to pivot and reimagine our friendships in a revised manner digitally. And it is completely normal to experience that digital communication fatigue.

But what if I reassured you that being a good friend is not about how much time you spend with someone or how often you are available to them? What if, I encourage you to understand that, a good friendship is built on a foundation of intentionality and offering each other the best we can, when we can? And like everything worth keeping, this too comes with practice. After all, love is a skill which needs to be cultivated and requires forbearance and generosity. The more generous we can be towards the rest of (flawed) humanity, the better chance we would have at doing the hard work of love.

This same grace is also foundational to friendships. The understanding that these relationships want us to be present for each other, and simultaneously accept that we — and our friends — are ultimately flawed, is pivotal. I believe it is important to discuss these needs and expectations with our friends, because clear communication and reliability are pillars to healthy friendships. But sometimes, especially in the face of this pandemic, it is important to recognize that communication will also flounder. So, the sooner we accept everyone's limitations, the better it will be for our relationships.

Considering this, being a good friend means the willingness to stretch along with another person. Being and staying in friendships often challenges us as individuals, and it ultimately depends on how much we are willing to endure together. But also, I have realized that good friends and friendships are so unique. We cannot replicate them, even if we want to. You cannot apply things that you do in one friendship to another one.

When I deliberate how lasting friendships require an evolution, my mind goes onto one of my closest friends, who I’ve known since junior school. My friendship with her has changed in multiple ways through these years. At times, the growth has been natural and intuitive. Other times, it is painful; requiring long hard conversations and emotional homework from both of us. We struggled to connect during the pandemic, our schedules were never in sync with each other. But every time we tried to stretch together, it made our relationship stronger, healthier and more resilient.

But this stretch is not all rosy. Oftentimes when both friends stretch, they can break apart — and that break in the friendship is essential. A good friend is both a safe place to land on as well as someone who challenges us to grow and confront our shortcomings. We all need people in our lives who can point out when we, ourselves, are getting in our own way. A good friend is like a compass when we've lost our way forward.

And, sometimes, this stretch points us away from one another. Sometimes it becomes evident that certain friendships were near their end, and distance made this clearer. It is important to remember a friendship that is over is not necessarily a bad one. Gently ending a friendship, while difficult, is completely okay. It does not mean that either person was a bad friend, they are just an old friend now. Because good friends say goodbye when it's time. Read more about seasonal friendships and how to let them go right here.

So, wherever you are with your friendships right now, please do remember that we are all doing the best we can. If you feel shame for prolonged silence, you are not alone; your friends may also feel the same. And the good news? We can let go of this shame and pick up the phone. Or send a text of encouragement and love. Because good friendship is all about trust, honesty and offering the other person a safe space to go quiet for a while and rest when it is needed.

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How are your friendships navigating during the pandemic? Do you think the distance got the better of you, or were you able to trek past it? What do you think makes someone a good friend? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

Xx, AG