Things Left Unsaid

Is it never too late to say what you really feel?

The last one month has been nothing short of nerve wracking for India, to say the least. Hearing news of the demise of family and friends from each corner of the country shook everyone to the core. Each one of us has lost a loved one in this entire process and sadly, there wasn’t much we could do about it. We are helpless in the face of this disease, and nothing is worse than that.

I too, lost my beloved grandmother to a long occurring ailment. And the weight of that grief is too heavy to bear. On most days, I am still in disbelief if something really happened or was it a dream? It still feels like she will call me from her room and ask me to get her water or hand over her insulin injections. And a tear rolling down my cheek tells me it isn’t a dream. Each day is extremely hard but the one that sent shivers down my spine was the day of the last ceremonial rites. Watching her lying wrapped in that white cloth, I was unable to believe that she would never call my name again. I hated to see her like that, helpless and inanimate. She had such a strong personality that even today, it is impossible to imagine her motionless. That day, seeing her like that, something in me ceased to exist. Something I can never explain again.

Moments, hours and days passed by but I could not stop lamenting. I knew there was something I wanted to tell her the last time she held my hand (if only I knew it was the last time), but I just couldn’t say anything. I tried to look away from her, look away from how the disease was engulfing her body each moment, look away to hide my tears from falling on her arms, look away and try to escape reality. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, apologize for the times I have not spoken to her in the best manner, relive those moments we have spent laughing, hug her and tell her it is going to be okay; but I couldn’t even move a muscle.

Even though she wasn’t able to respond much during her last day, there was a sense of calm and greater giving arising from her than ever before. There was something which kept telling me that you are so loved. I forgive you for anything you would have done unknowingly. And from now, I shall be your protector; your guardian angel. On one hand, while she was blessing me with the warmest departing wishes, on the other I was in complete belief that she would come out of this, like all the previous times. But this time, she couldn’t.

The following days were terrible for me, I was crying non-stop, my eyes had swollen, my health was deteriorating, my blood pressure was declining, I wasn’t eating anything. But every time I would look at her picture, I could see her smiling. And maybe that is what I always wanted for her; to keep smiling. Soon I was able to feel her being reunited with my grandfather after the longest 40 years of her life. Realizing that gave me a deep sense of satisfaction. I was happy again and just wanted to celebrate the great woman my grandmother was!

She was a highly educated woman for her time, with a Masters in Hindi literature from Ramjas College and Bachelor in Education (B.Ed) from Punjab University. Post the untimely death of my grandfather, she took up a job in Punjab National Bank during the 1980’s. I cannot imagine the kind of prejudices and judgements she had to face each day of her life hence: single handedly looking after 3 children and managing the entire financial situation of the household. She has led her life with such dignity and strength and that is exactly what she gave other women; always encouraging and uplifting women to be independent and step out of just domestic chores. Even post her retirement, she had a fixed schedule that she followed each day without fail. She was deeply religious and spent hours at a stretch performing her rituals. She was always so well groomed, donning a saree with a short braid. You would never find her not doing something productive. She wasn’t one to waste her time in front of the television. She would always help in household chores and read books during her free time; books about history, about human relationships, about politics, about wisdom, some autobiographies. And not surprisingly, while I was going through some of her books and clothes recently, I could still smell her in them.

I think the thing with our generation is that we have forgotten to show that we care, we think it is not cool. But how mistaken are we! That single moment with her on her final day was enough to make me realize otherwise. Over the days, I realized that we all make mistakes, it is only human to do that, but to accept your mistake and apologize for it wholeheartedly is what each of us live for :) There is no greater individual who realizes their mistakes, accepts them and seeks forgiveness. And none greater than the one who forgives!

And as Mitch Albom correctly puts it, “It is not just the other people we need to forgive, we also need to forgive ourselves. For all the things we didn’t do. All the things that we could have done. Something I have realized is that we cannot get stuck on the regrets of what should have happened. As long as we can love each other, and remember that feeling of love we shared, we can die without ever really going away. Because all the love that we created is still there. All the memories are still there. We will continue to live in the hearts of everyone we have touched and nurtured in this lifetime. Because death ends a life, not a relationship.”

Ever since, me and all my family decided to sit together, and share anecdotes of my grandmother from her childhood, her adolescence, her marriage, her motherhood, her struggles, her pain and her indomitable spirit. I heard so many stories and instances that I didn’t know about, and laughed at them, happily cried, and silently admired her as my mother said, “She was a great soul.” Eventually, I decided to look for my pen; for the paper was craving to hear everything I had to share. I have always come to my pen and paper every time I have known any feeling, for they understand me more than any human could. So I started collating this piece for over a month and decided to publish it on 13th May 2021, exactly a month after my grandmother graces heaven with her presence.

Since my grandmother was a huge literature fanatic, I would like to leave everyone with one of her favorite poems. Coincidentally, this poem was a part of my high school curriculum as well and she helped me learn this for my examination. Click here to read this and let the nostalgia engulf you.

Has this been a difficult time for you too? Have you also lost someone you loved? Could you also relate to any of my feelings? And if I may ask, what helps you navigate these feelings that constantly crop up? I would love to hear everything in the comments.

Xx, AG