The Search For Something Better

As I sit down to be engulfed and overwhelmed by my thoughts, ready to bleed them on paper, I am surprised to witness a sly smile on my face. A smile originated by recollecting an incident from the past, and just dismissing it into the ocean of my thoughts murmuring, “Those were the days!“ There is a sudden flash of thousands of fleeting moments; moments consisting of friends, lovers, teachers, classrooms, food halls, bus rides, shopping escapades and travel. It is hard to imagine how for once, we used to mercilessly tyrannize over life during those days. The same life never fails to dominate us, now.

Everything was a fairy tale during those days. Breaking hearts with the swoosh of a message, tiny little slips hidden under T-shirts to ace exams with ease, driving to a friend’s house at midnight just to resolve an argument, crying (and crying again) over the very first heartbreak, deciding months in advance to watch a movie in the theatre, taking all friends along to decide on that one birthday dress, understanding and exploring sexual intimacy, the first outside the city travel plan with friends, sipping alcohol cautiously (haha!) with the fear of being caught red handed at home. And just so many landmark moments in between.

But then why did we decide to move on in life, with everything already in place in our dreamland? The search for something more, the search for something better. This search never ends, but our time here does! We end up losing our only friends, lovers, acquaintances and family in the process but the search continues. To execute this seamlessly, in the back of our heads, we make lists and agendas about what we want from our dream jobs, qualities in an ideal best friend, vivid images of our marriage, life with our future companion; with blonde hair and a husky voice. A sharp mind with a kind heart, a flair for good humor and great music that makes us laugh at all times. And this and that. And this and that!

But nobody told us that this is all crap. Because life is not a to-do task; because people cannot be confined to lists. I have always wanted to be the person who makes someone realize this. I hope to connect with people who carry a list in their head, which is almost nothing like the person I am. And then they choose to stay, with the epiphany that they did not even know what they were looking for in another human. People who think they know what they want are surely misleading themselves. Nobody, just nobody ever really knows who or what they want. Unless it is right in front of them.

Xx